09/09/2010 06:06 PM

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME POLITICS?!?

Politics, man. So boring, right? WRONG! Meet Phil Davison, resident of Stark County, OH, and prospective Republican nominee for Treasurer of said county. While most local politicians ascend to government office based on a combination of experience, connections and good fortune, our new hero Phil Davison attempted to win over the voters of Stark County the old-fashioned way; namely, by penning a speech so moving, so powerful, so full of oratory grace that Patrick Henry himself would rise from the grave, initiate a slow clap to end all slow claps, then cast a ballot for Davison before crumbling into a jealous pile of dust. Sadly for Davison (but happily for us!), in order to overcome his somewhat shaky command of his talking points and general nervousness at the podium, he decided to give his speech while SPEAKING AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE, like some sort of unholy offspring of the Ultimate Warrior and Inspirational Speaker Matt Foley. Now, thanks to the magic of embeddable video, seemingly innocuous phrases such as “I HAVE A MASTER’S DEGREE IN COMMUNICATION!” and “IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY LIES OPPORTUNITY!” have become the stuff of Internet lore, thanks to Davison’s ALL CAPS vocal stylings. Oh, btw, we have no idea who Randy Gonzalez is, but we do know this: he better be sure to sleep with one eye open tonight. SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! [hat tip to Videogum]

09/09/2010 05:56 PM

Coors Light Sponsors Tom Brady’s Car Crash

No, Tom Brady’s car accident this morning had nothing to do with drinking (unless we’re talking about drinking handsome juice – up top, ladies!) but I was still slightly thrown off when I watched ESPN.com’s report on the incident and it was sponsored by Coors Light. Watch for yourself in ESPN’s Fun Size embed: A Coors Light ad plays, then a 5-second “This report brought to you by Coors Light” trailer plays, then the video plays, then if you want to watch the next video, another Coors Light ad plays. It’s kind of funny that any company is sponsoring news about an athlete’s car crash, let alone a product that shares such a tumultuous relationship with automobiles. At least Coors can be proud of the ground-breaking ESPN reporting, which includes the highly informative quote from Tom Brady’s father, “I understand he’s fine, but I haven’t talked to him,” and an interview with a pedestrian who says “He seemed fine.”

09/09/2010 04:36 PM

The Jersey Shore Halloween Takeover Has Begun

Well, this didn’t take long – it’s September 9th and the Jersey Shore Halloween costumes are hittin’ the racks: Not surprising at all, really — everyone already predicted that Snooki would be the hottest costume this Halloween. Except me, I predicted it would be Darth Maul. Which I’m still predicting. You just wait. Oh whoops, my bad, these aren’t related to MTV’s Jersey Shore at all, they’re just your average “Jersey Boy” and “Jersey Girl” wigs, just like your average Plumber Man or Eurasian Traveler. They should really come out with Jersey Shore costumes – those would be popular.

09/09/2010 03:15 PM

Dogs Playing Backgammon In Snuggies

We’re all well aware by now that the Dog Snuggie is a thing — it even has its own website and informative URL, snuggiefordogs.com — so when I came across a bunch of Dog Snuggies for sale in a housewares store over the weekend, I wasn’t initially thrown off. What I did not know, however, is that the box for Dog Snuggies features a picture of two little dogs in Snuggies playing Backgammon: SOLD! My dogs always have trouble keeping warm when they’re calmly sitting there playing a board game that I don’t even understand. But does the Snuggie work for Mahjong?

09/09/2010 02:15 PM

TOP CHEF FINALE RECAP: The Singapore Food-Slingers

This is a Recap of Top Chef D.C. (Season 7), Episode 12, Part 1 of the Finale, originally airing September 8, 2010. D.C. now gives way to D-Cingapore. What? Just move on from this Italics part. Welcome to Singapore! The culinary capital of the area right around Singapore! Your host for the Finale will be Seetoh, the Asian Cee-Lo, and owner of the lamest lower-third of the entire season: “King of Street Food” — it’s like being the King of Pop, but homeless. Cee-Lo takes the chefs around to different street food stands and introduces them to the many spices and styles of Singaporese (Singaporian? Singlish? Gotta be Singlish) cuisine, and in the middle of their little food jaunt, the chefs encounter Padma. Oh no, a twist! Bravo didn’t just send them to Singapore to chill and look at that modern-ass skyline building! The chefs will be cooking in a street space “smaller than some solitary jail cells” (but no jail cells in Singapore because it is an awesome country that is awesomely sponsoring all of this) and using Singapore’s “most popular cooking tool,” the G.E. GE-inator. The ingredients are labeled in Cantonese, and the chefs quickly realize that this Finale is gonna involve a number of hurdles: After the jump, the Quickfire gets underway, then the Elimination Challenge gets underway, then one of the chefs gets sent on-der-way. Ow. OWWWWW. The awful jokes are also having their Finale. The chefs are doing their best to learn Singlish cuisine on the fly but they’re being slowed down because they have to taste every ingredient before using them. The labels on the foods aren’t helping: Kelly knows the trick to Malaysian food, saying “You can definitely taste the different cultures… A dish that looks Chinese will have a Malaysian or an Indian twist to it. Also I have never eaten Kung Pao Chicken. Now disregard my first sentence.” Angelo picks up frog legs with only a minute forty-five to go, which was a really risky move by Bravo to edit that “running out of time” footage so implausibly — there’s no way he decided on a protein and cooked it in the final minute. Also, Kevin has never used a wok before and Padma bites his head off, and isn’t blown away by his head. All this adds up to Ed winning the Quickfire for his Stir Fry Noodles with Black Pepper Sauce, Lobster and Gai Lan, and earning a direct route to the Finals, a Top Chef first. How high do you like THEM stakes? We’ll get to the Elimination Challenge in a second, but first, some scenes from The Beach: For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will be working as a team to cook Singapore-inspired food for a bunch of non-locals at a Food And Wine Magazine event. Step One – Shoppin’ where the locals shop: The chefs decide to each make one dish, because any time anyone on Top Chef makes two dishes, the Judges tell them they should’ve just stuck with their one good dish, so this decision makes total sense. Tom then hears of this one-dish tomfoolery (which he calls “MEfoolery”) and his jaw drops: The chefs scramble to add another dish to their menu, even though Immunity Ed ovah heah declares “I was planning for two dishes all along.” Wait, you’re the d*ck now (dawg)? I’m so confused. Ed proceeds to make a bunch of really catty comments to Angelo, which he believes is what a sarcastic personality is, then bumps him twice in the kitchen for bitchy measure: Angelo is pumped up, declaring “The spark in the forest has been set and those plants are gonna be burning.” Is that a reference to napalming Southeast Asians during Vietnam? I hope not. Angelo’s just riled up because he’s in Asia and he wants to MARRY it. While cooking, Kelly suffers another setback when she grossly cuts her hand: The chefs then encounter yet another “having nothing to do with how good of a chef you are” hurdle and have to convey their serving instructions to a bunch of really confused waiters who don’t speak English: The waiters eventually pull it together, and the chefs’ dishes are complimented by the judges across the board, virtually free of criticism, and the judges seem exceptionally wowed by Ed’s fried banana fritter. Tom later calls it the “Perfect stoner food.” Also the perfect stoner food? Anything. Food And Wine’s Dana Corwin continues actually being a human this season, and proposes a toast to the Final Four: At Judges’ Table, the judges admit they have to resort to nit-picking in order to come to a verdict, and nit-pick they do: Angelo’s soup is suddenly too salty and more of a sauce than a soup, Kelly’s soup didn’t really make use of the fish and her guava apple salad should’ve been incorporated into her dish more, and Kevin’s dishes are slightly underspiced and his main course could’ve used more texture. REWIND TO EIGHT SECONDS AGO – Every Judge: “Wow this food is amazing I love it all!!!” BACK TO PRESENT. Ed scores the win for his fritters and his Crispy Rice and Potato Cakes, Sweet and Sour Pork, and Kai Lan, and double-advances to the Finale. He actually overshoots the Finale and ends up in the first episode of Season 8. Dag nabbit! Padma’s Finale Dress congratulates him: The loser, not totally surprisingly, is Kelly. She takes it well though, forcing a really creepy smile: Angelo does not take it well: The Finale will be Ed, Angelo, and Kevin. Other than Angelo — who I predicted from the get-go would be the token “Seem Really Good But Won’t End Up Winning” guy and now I’m thinking he might actually be the underdog and win — I was way off on my calls, and wouldn’t have pegged Ed or Kevin as potential winners earlier in the season. I basically had no clue what was happening at any point this season, and I still don’t. I commend Bravo on a legitimately unpredictable season that wasn’t just unpredictable because good people got voted off. But I still have my money on Tiffany. Are you excited for the finale? Angelo sure is: Kelly elimination thoughts? Predictions for the winner? Thoughts on the Singapore Finale? Comment away in the comments. Only one more episode to go, then it’s a dark dark winter of… far more exciting NFL Football and all major network shows.

09/09/2010 12:22 PM

Hipster Chris Berman?

After 60 or so years of ubiquitous NFL coverage, ESPN mainstay Chris Berman decided to say “screw it” this NFL season and grew a mustache, unveiling his new stylish alter-ego, Hipster Chris Berman: Not bad! When you’ve been on the air both before and after mustaches became unironically fashionable, you’ve more than earned the right to treat your upper lip however you damn well please. I look forward to Berman referring to Jake “Daylight Come And You Gotta” Delhomme, with a mustache. If he’d wanted to go even more hipster with it, though, I’d have gone with this look: (Berman pic via Larry Brown Sports)

09/09/2010 11:11 AM

Why Thank You, Baby Banner Ad

Thanks for the baby compliment, banner ad on Yahoo. Also, huh? Wait – that is not actually my baby. You are lying! But my baby does have that shirt with the floating words.

09/08/2010 05:15 PM

Disney’s Up Gets The BLAM! Treatment

In my ongoing efforts to broaden my mind as a human being, today I… 1) Became aware of Disney’s BLAM! 2) Then proceeded to watch this Disney BLAM! parody for Up: Not to overexaggerate, but today has been the greatest day of my or anyone else’s life. All downhill from here.

09/08/2010 04:36 PM

Betty White Trend Rolls Right Along With New Betty White Comic Book

Ok, 2010 Earth, we get it — we all love Betty White. Everyone loves Betty White. We used to love her, we still love her, we love her when she makes cameos, we love her when she hosts SNL, we love her when she swears, we love her when she pokes fun at herself — the lovelist goes on and on. That said, does the world really need a Betty White graphic novel? The sudden overwhelming deluge of Betty White support over the past year has been universally enjoyable, but the longer it’s gone on, with everyone internet-wide constantly making a deliberate effort to proclaim superlative love for the veteran actress over and over again, the more it’s bordered on sounding patronizing towards her. I’m not doubting peoples’ enthusiasm for Betty White, and I certainly share it, but at this point, it’s almost as if people are just fashionably professing their Betty White fandom in order to seem impressively open-minded by loving a humble veteran actress instead of something trendy (creating, ironically, its own trend). I’m not actually mad at the Betty White comic book — celebrity comic books certainly aren’t unprecedented — but it’s the latest installment in an ongoing fad that’s veering from genuine support into the realm of trendy condescension. When we organically appreciate someone, we don’t need to constantly be yelling about how awesome that person is. We know Betty White is great, internet – let’s relax. That random rant out of the way, three more pages from the Betty White graphic novel — the Betty White graphic novel — are after the jump:

09/08/2010 03:02 PM

OUTTAKES: Travie McCoy and I Are Basically Drunk; In Love

Yesterday, I brought you the more “professional” side of my interview with musician Travie McCoy. Buttt remember how we were, like, drinking for 30 straight minutes? Basically, a lot of hilarious sh*t went down during our time together, so much so that we were able to string together the funniest moments in the following “outtakes” reel. Whether you love us or hate us, do yourself a favor and watch this. Travie shows us his passport, talks about “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” tells us a little bit about being the Godfather to Bronx Mowgli Wentz (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s son), and, most importantly, gets drunk and falls in love with me. Hopefully, you will too.* Enjoy. VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip *You obviously hate me now. On the bright side, I have gotten a manicure since this interview. Always be ready for a hand close-up, Collins. Follow me on Twitter. Follow BWEtv on Twitter.